28th and Lex

Tonight I found myself in the east 20s off Third Avenue for the first time in several years. On my hike back to the subway after dinner I decided to make a small detour and walk past my first NYC apartment on 28th between Lex and 5th. I lived in this apartment for eight weeks, a sublet I found on Craigslist on a three day kamikaze apartment finding mission prior to moving out east from San Diego. I moved into the fifth floor walkup on a Thursday night, attended work Friday and woke up on Saturday, St. Patricks day, to people throwing up in the blackened snow outside the building. I was horrified that I’d left carnitas burritos, a backyard pool and pristine weather for this. Walking toward the subway that day I remember a distinct feeling of certainty that I would probably never find my apartment again.

Last week marked six years since that terrified 22 year old made her way toward Lexington to take the subway on her own for the first time and tonight I felt like I was seeing the neighborhood with virgin eyes. The closer I got I searched the building facades for familiar landmarks: the McDonalds outside the subway exit, the specialty spice market, the Indian food buffet I substituted for my 3am California burrito hangover food. I examined each bar for signs that it housed the smokers perpetually lingering outside our old doorway. Pretty soon I had crossed 28th and Lexington, then made my way past Park without latching on to any markers unifying the blurry memory of the entryway with the addresses I was ticking off in my head as I passed by them. After thinking every building was my old building for avenues on end, finally I intersected with Sixth Avenue and it hit me that I hadn’t lived on 28th Street at all. It had been 29th or 26th, but I couldn’t remember which.

Earlier today I was catching up over instant message with a friend/former colleague I haven’t spoken to in a while about our professional and personal lives. I mentioned a project I’m working on that is related to books and reading. She said, “I wish I was so passionate about something consistently like you. I liiiike a lot of things, but I don’t think I love anything that much.”

I was really taken aback because I am always impressed by and slightly envious of her work ethic, career success and superhuman analytical skills that are actually relevant to making it in the working world. Loving books has always felt like the most useless thing to me, and more recently, like a curse almost because I love them so much that I want one with my name printed on the cover and spine. Chatting with my friend made me feel significantly better than I have in a while, because as solitary and scary and uncertain the writing process may be, I am lucky to have something I want this badly. And failing that, I will always have books.

The leap.

How I Met Your Mother became available on Netflix Instant a few weeks ago and having missed most of the first few seasons save a rerun here or there, I have been watching the show from the beginning. I love this show because I can relate to the characters and their struggles, young professionals in NYC trying to figure out who they are versus who they expected to be, and who they’re going to be with.

Recently I’ve been struggling with trying to write my first novel, and staying mentally tough has been more challenging than the writing itself. I knew it was going to be the toughest thing I’ve ever done creatively, but I hadn’t anticipated the excruciating sense of inferiority and self-doubt, feelings that are amplified by anything and everything I read. It has made me question if I have it in me, whether I should just roll over and accept that I need to modify or scale back my dream into something within my grasp.

Last night I watched the season finale of HIMYM season four, “The Leap,” the episode where Ted has been struggling as an architect and is offered a teaching job but is adamantly against accepting it. Lily tries to talk him out of his lifelong plan to be an architect and to take the job in the following exchange:

Lily: Screw the plan. I thought I’d be a famous painter. Marshall thought he’d be an environmental lawyer. Robin thought she’d be a TV reporter.
Robin: I am a TV reporter. My show airs every morning at 4:00 AM.
Lily: Is that still on? Good for you.
Robin: Someone, watch my show!
Lily: Barney thought he’d be a violinist.
Barney: Lily!
Lily: Don’t tell me things!
Lily: (To Ted) Listen to what the world is telling you to do, and take the leap.

It feels silly to admit days later, but in that moment it was a direct line to the minimizing voice in the back of my head. I’m not going to give up on the idea of a book spine with my name on it, but it did raise an interesting point: when do we make a judgement call on Plan A and regroup? Is it better to stubbornly pursue a potentially unattainable dream and chase the idea that attaining it will make you happy, or find some middle ground and take the leap? 

Software for writers.

Finding the right writing programs is as important as the perfect pen or notebook. Here are some applications that I have used and liked:

Freedom: If your creative output suffers from chronic internet distraction, Freedom solves the problem by eliminating your internet access. Freedom lets you choose the amount of time you want to disconnect from the internet and then shuts down access until time is up. The only way to cheat freedom and regain internet access before time is up is to restart. We all know that restarting can be a pain so even with this loophole Freedom helps keep you focused.
 
Scrivener: This is the Mercedes Benz of writing programs. I have been using Scrivener to work on several writing projects for the last few months and am impressed by how thoroughly conceptualized the program is for creative projects. There are templates for novels, research papers, screenplays, as well as storyboarding and outline making tools. The features are fantastic and the interface is slick.

WriteRoom: WriteRoom provides a no-frills full screen writing environment designed to eliminate extraneous distractions. You can also use this program to sync files between work, home, and your iPhone. 

Write Attack: If you’re the type of writer who prefers to set a words per day quota this program will help put the pressure on. With Write Attack you set a minimum word count goal and a time limit; if you don’t hit your word count goal by the time expiration the program deletes everything you’ve written. It also has special plug-ins for Nanowrimo.

WriteMonkey: WriteMonkey is similar to WriteRoom but with more features to offer such as spellcheck, look-up tools, and the ability to customize the look and feel of the interface.